


To Forgive, To Forget

by kakera



Series: Why Count the Stars [2]
Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Demons, F/M, Heartbreak, M/M, Multi, Sequel, Shinigami, Stargazing, Unrequited Love, transgender character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-18
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2019-02-04 02:04:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12760884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kakera/pseuds/kakera
Summary: Sequel toWhy Count The Stars.It's been four months since Sebastian broke the heart of the red-haired shinigami he'd become so fond of, and overcome with guilt, he sets out to make things right.But Grelle (who had added the extra e three months ago) has changed, and things don't go exactly as Sebastian planned.





	To Forgive, To Forget

**Author's Note:**

> It's taken two whole years but I finally wrote a sequel! Decided to add this as a separate fic rather than a second chapter, as I want people to have the option of just reading _Why Count the Stars_ on its own. (But I hope people read this one too!)

Regret was a strange emotion. Especially for a demon.

Sebastian had been experiencing regret for almost four months, having passed through a phase of intense guilt.

He didn't like it one bit.

Demons weren't _meant_ to experience emotions, at least not in the long haul. Sure, devouring the occasional soul used to give him a year or two of feelings like pleasure and amusement, sometimes even lust (if a cute person came along) and affection (if a cute cat came along).

This time around, those emotions hadn't faded.

Sebastian supposed he'd been a little too greedy. He'd been greedy when he'd made his pact with Ciel, too. He hadn't _needed_ to eat another soul. Ciel's had just looked irresistibly delicious, and Sebastian had stepped in before another demon had a chance.

One day, that soul would be his. Maybe it would teach him a little self control.

In the meantime, Sebastian had to put up with the regret.

It was all Ciel's fault, really. If Ciel hadn't ordered him to seduce Grell for information, Sebastian wouldn't have started to feel _things_ for the shinigami. If he hadn't begun to feel _things_ , he wouldn't have felt the need to be _honest_.

If he hadn't been honest, he wouldn't have broken Grell's heart.

 

They'd fought hard that night, and Grell had warned him to keep away. Sebastian had never experienced abject terror, and never thought that he'd find safety scissor death scythes anything other than hilarious. But Grell had been a fraction away from killing him, and Sebastian had been _scared_.

By the time he'd recovered from the shock, Grell was gone, and the stars they'd been watching not an hour ago glared down accusingly from the velvety heavens.

Since then, he'd never seen Grell again.

It was as if the red-haired shinigami had passed from existence.

 

Sebastian had tried to find Grell. Ciel didn't know about it, and Sebastian intended to keep it that way. Ciel would order him to stop, if he knew, and Sebastian wasn't prepared to stop searching.

He showed up at mass deaths and homicides, sticking to the shadows and seeking out Grell's form amongst the attending reapers.

He looked for Grell in the streets, and each time Ciel was sent to investigate some strange goings on, Sebastian looked for Grell there, too.

But he found nothing.

Not even a shadow.

His regret turned to desperation.

He wanted to make things right, to tell Grell that even though it had started as an order from Ciel, he genuinely did _care_. That demons _could_ care. That he cared quite a lot, really, and missed Grell's conversation.

At night, when Ciel was sleeping, Sebastian often went to the fields where he and Grell used to meet, and laid back in the grass to count the stars in the firmament above.

But it was no fun without Grell, and Sebastian continued counting only as penance for hurting Grell so.

 

It was another month before he made progress in his search.

There had been an explosion in a factory, and several shinigami were in attendance. Sebastian tried to go unnoticed, but in his haste to seek out Grell, came nose to nose with a shinigami armed with a custom death scythe. It was shaped like a lawnmower, and Sebastian thought it was a hundred times more ridiculous than Grell's safety scissors.

They'd fought, scythe against silverware, and Sebastian was achingly aware of how this man fought like Grell did.

Only he was weaker than Grell, and Sebastian had him disarmed and pinned to the floor in minutes. As he stared down at the shinigami, he remembered Grell telling a story about him: Ronald Knox, who flirted his way to getting his ridiculous modified scythe.

Ronald struggled, scowling up at him, and Sebastian pinned him down harder.

"I'm looking for Grell."

The desperation in Sebastian's voice was shameful, but he hadn't the time to care about his dignity. The other reaper, William - another who Grell talked about - was nearby. Sebastian wanted to get information and leave before William could come along and make more trouble for him.

"You won't find her here," Ronald replied.

"Tell me where I can find him."

" _She_ doesn't work in retrieval anymore. You should leave _her_ alone."

Ronald's use of pronouns was perplexing, but his gaze was honest.

Sighing, Sebastian loosened his grip on the man. " _Please_ ," he said. "There is a mistake that needs to be corrected."

Ronald seemed surprised by Sebastian's words, enough that he answered without further prompting.

"I know," he said quietly. Glancing aside, he saw Will approaching. He pushed Sebastian away, suddenly enough to catch the demon off-guard. He had his scythe at Sebastian's face in a matter of seconds, and grinned in a lackadaisical manner. "The Royal Observatory is a charming place for a date...with death."

A spark of realisation crossed Sebastian's gaze, and he stared at the shinigami. "Thank you," he uttered.

"Ronald Knox! Stop wasting ti-- _You!"_

Sebastian dodged as Will's deathscythe flew towards him.

And for the first time in his very long life, Sebastian ran away.

He had no time to fight. The night sky was clear, and the crescent moon beamed down like Grell's brightest smile.

Sebastian raced away from the smoking ruins of the factory, and headed for the Royal Observatory.

 

The moon hung huge and full, high above the Royal Observatory. The dark sky was filled with twinkling stars, though the green eyes that gazed at them did not care to count their number.

Having climbed onto the roof, Grelle (who had appended an extra e to her name three months ago) sat down and smoothed her clothes with lace-gloved hands. It hadn't taken long to become used to moving around in dresses, and her corsets no longer felt uncomfortable. She had grown used to the rigid way in which they corrected her posture and cinched in her already slender waist, and enjoyed the feminine figure that greeted her every time she looked into the mirror, or caught sight of her reflection in a store window.

For the first time in her existence, Grelle felt like herself.

And she was happy. Well, mostly. It was difficult to be completely happy when damned to spend eternity as a shinigami, but with the changes her life had undergone over the past few months, Grelle considered herself happy enough.

She didn't let herself think about things like betrayal and heartbreak.

Those were best left in the past.

But she still went out frequently to the Royal Observatory, to gaze up at the stars that had become her heart's downfall.

She still remembered those tense, exciting moments with Sebastian, when she thought her heart might burst from her chest for how it pounded for him. In moments like that, she'd believed that demons couldn't be completely bad. She'd believed that Sebastian had feelings for her--believed it against all knowledge and proof that _demons didn't have feelings_.

When they had gazed at the stars together, Grelle had believed love was within reach. That Sebastian felt for her as she did for him, and if he kissed her, with only the stars as their witness, their Romeo-and-Juliet affair could have a happy ending.

But the stars that night had witnessed nothing but heartbreak and violence, and their story was but a tragic tale of betrayal.

Grelle had nearly killed Sebastian that night, stopped only by her love for him.

After warning him to leave her alone, she had run away, praying she wouldn't see him again.

She was tired of being used. Tired of this existence, this body, this life.

Tired of being Grell.

If Will had told her, after that fight with Sebastian, that she would be happy (or to put it in his terms, _'You will not always be miserable'_ ) Grelle wouldn't have believed him.

But her life was different now, her heart mended, and only a dull, nostlagic ache remained for what might have been.

Grelle no longer counted the stars. She counted the spaces between them.

 

Hidden in the shadows, Sebastian spent some time watching the figure on the roof, surprised that the shinigami hadn't sensed him--and wondering if the lack of acknowledgement was on purpose.

He'd not given a thought to how he'd approach, yet the moment he saw that red hair and pale, flawless face, he'd hesitated.

It wasn't simple, he realised, to approach somebody whose heart he had broken.

Somebody who had warned him to keep away from them, and had been so terrifying in that moment that he'd feared for his life.

But until they spoke again, Sebastian wasn't going to quell this guilt that rested in his chest. It was as if the last soul he ate had taken root and begun to sprout within his spirit, like a weed that couldn't be torn out and killed.

If obliterating his emotions was so easy, he wouldn't be standing in the shadows, admiring the shinigami's beauty.

It had been four months since Sebastian last set eyes on that red-loving figure, and he was sure the shinigami had grown more beautiful. That silky red hair that he'd loved to touch was pinned up elegantly, in what Sebastian assumed was the current fashion--Grell had _always_ taken interest in fashion. And was it the moonlight, or was Grell's jaw a little softer? Or was it merely the slick of scarlet upon those tempting lips, lips that Sebastian still longed to kiss?

Unable to allow himself to hide any longer (he was a demon! He shouldn't be afraid!) Sebastian stepped out into the moonlight and sprang onto the roof.

"Grell..." He tried to speak softly as he approached, but the shinigami still tensed.

Grelle's eyes narrowed. "I told you never to come near me again," she said, rising to her feet with a soft rustle of taffeta.

Sebastian took the shinigami's voice with some surprise. It was higher than he remembered, and softer.

"I know, but I had to see you." Sebastian eyed the figure before him, noticing all the changes since they last met: the flowing dress (always in that eccentric shade of red), the cinched waist, the gentle swell of breasts...

Sebastian realised, then, why that idiot shinigami at the factory had said ' _she'_.

It made perfect sense, too: he'd always been able to smell the delicious feminine energy in Grelle's soul, and it had both confused and enthralled him. Now he understood why.

Sebastian froze when he saw Grelle draw her scythe. It was no longer safety scissors or a chainsaw, but the efficient, forbidding clippers that he'd seen in the hands of the shinigami William.

Grelle eyed Sebastian, her heart thudding. It hurt to remember how he'd made her feel, but it was only a memory. _Sebastian_ was only a memory to her now, and that's how she wanted him to remain

"I don't want to see you," she stated, trying to sound firm.

Sebastian tensed, prepared to either grab his silverware or run, depending on how Grelle attacked.

"I wanted to see you for the past four months," he stated. "There are things left unsaid between us."

"They're better left unsaid."

Shaking his head, Sebastian tentatively held out a hand. "I want to tell you something."

Grelle eyed Sebastian's hand, but didn't take it in her own. Instead, she straightened her glasses and peered at him, an ache rising in her chest that she'd been trying to ignore.

"I have something to tell you too...demon."

Sebastian winced at the harsh intention behind her softly-spoken words, and nodded.

"Then by all means do. Ladies first."

Grelle smiled ruefully. "You noticed, then."

"How could I not? You look lovely."

"I know."

Sebastian couldn't help but chuckle. "You're still the same."

Grelle's smile fell. "I'm not the same, and it's because of you."

"I--"

"Thank you." Grelle uttered the words in a sigh, putting away her scythe and turning her back to him. Her belief in a demon's ability to feel was shaky, but Sebastian's expression was too remorseful to be fake. Her feelings started to tangle in her chest, and looking at Sebastian was too hard. Maybe demons really _could_ feel... "If not for you, I would have remained plain old Grell Sutcliff forever."

Sebastian smiled faintly, finally daring to stand beside her. "You were never plain. Or old."

"I wasn't who I wanted to be. That's changed now." Grelle looked down at herself, a flutter of contentment shining out amidst wistful nostalgia and confusion.

"You're the person you were always meant to be."

"Heh..." A smile spread across Grelle's features, and she lifted her gaze to the sky. "Your betrayal pushed me to become the woman I have always been, at heart."

"You're more beautiful than ever. Every star in the heavens is jealous of how stunning you are."

"Flirting won't get you anywhere, Sebastian..." Grelle sighed. "You wanted to tell me something?"

Sebastian joined her in looking at the sky. "I count them every night. I see them born, I see them die. Last count, I got as far as one hundred and twenty-nine billion stars, and I still can't forget you. Nor can I forgive myself for hurting you. I'm sorry, Grelle."

Grelle's hand itched to seek out Sebastian's, for old time's sake. She clasped her hands together instead. It was pointless to act on old impulses, and Sebastian's presence only made her heart feel heavy. She knew what had to be done, and it was a vengeance she no longer wanted to take.

"I count the spaces between the stars," she stated, turning to face him. "I thought I counted to forget you, but it appears I've been trying to forgive you all along."

There was a sheen in Grelle's eyes that suggested tears. Sebastian stepped closer, enfolding her hands in his.

"Will you forgive me?" he pleaded.

Grelle's breath hitched and she looked away, but she was smiling again. "Yes."

Sebastian gazed at her in earnest, a light, bubbly feeling in his chest that he hadn't felt since they had last been together.

"Grelle," he uttered, gazing upon her beautiful face. "Will you count the stars with me again?"

Shoulders slumping, Grelle pulled her hands from his grasp and took a step back. She couldn't get caught up in this moment, no matter how romantic it felt. It would only damage what she had, and she'd regret it more deeply than anything before. She didn't need this. Nor did she want it.

"No."

"I won't hurt you again."

"We both know you would, if Ciel ordered you."

"I would find a way around his orders."

"You should have done that from the start!"

They stared at each other, Grelle scowling and Sebastian wide-eyed.

Sebastian bowed his head. "I know. I'm sorry, Grelle."

Hugging herself, Grelle looked out across the darkened landscape. "I already forgave you. We shouldn't see each other again."

Though she'd put away her scythe, Sebastian felt as though she'd thrust it straight into his heart. He stared at her, wondering how she could say such things, and look so sad, yet remain so beautiful.

"I love you, Grelle," he murmured.

Somewhere in the distance, a clock struck midnight.

Grelle smiled pensively, shaking her head. "I love Will."

"That stuffy guy?! But you're worth so much more!" Sebastian stared, recalling the times Will had dragged Grell away. How could she love someone like that?!

It felt as though the metaphorical deathscythe had been twisted and driven further into his chest.

Grelle raised a carefully-plucked brow. "Do you believe that you, a demon, are any better than him?"

Sebastian sighed. "No. But I love you, and I won't hurt you."

"Will has never hurt me like you did," Grelle replied softly, smiling at memories of the past few months. "He's supportive and gentle, given the opportunity. And stunningly handsome. A shinigami to die for." She smiled wider.

"Would he die for you?"

"I think he would, yes."

Until that moment, Sebastian had hoped that Grelle would change her mind and accept him back. Yet it was clear enough that there was only one man in her heart, and Sebastian suspected that William had been there all along, lurking in the background.

"Would you die for me?" Grelle prompted, studying him.

Sebastian's answer came to him as a shock, and he looked away. "I don't think I could, Grelle."

Grelle smiled, a shard of sadness melting from her heart. "I didn't think so--You should leave me alone now."

Sebastian shook his head, stepping closer again. "I want to talk for longer. We could be friends... Out of Ciel's sight, at least."

"Not now. You need to go."

"Please, Grelle?" Sebastian held out his hands. "Come with me."

When Grelle placed her hands in his, Sebastian's heart leapt for joy. But it sank the instant he saw the expression on her face.

"You must go. Now," Grelle spoke with urgency, catching a scent on the wind that she could never mistake. "I'm telling you this because I loved you once. Will is on his way, and he'll kill you if he finds you here."

"We can leave before he arrives." Sebastian gripped her hands tightly.

Grelle shook her head. "I've been waiting for him all evening."

"Then he can wait for you instead."

"No." Leaning in, Grelle let her lips brush against his cheek, leaving a faint red kiss-mark there. Then she withdrew her hands from his, and stepped back. "Go now."

Sebastian gazed at her, so beautiful with her vibrant green eyes and scarlet lips and pale skin that she looked like some kind of angel.

An angel who had ripped his heart from his chest and crushed it under her fashionable heeled boot, through soft words and pensive smiles, and the truth that he had brought this heartache upon himself.

"One last question, Grelle," Sebastian said, hoping against all odds that she'd answer with a negative. "Are you happy?"

"Yes, I'm happy."

Sebastian bowed his head. Her expression had said far more than her words. Grelle had never smiled like that around him.

"Then I'll leave you be. Goodbye, Grelle."

Grelle nodded, smile never wavering. "Goodbye, Sebastian."

Taking a deep breath, Sebastian turned away and leapt down from the roof, where he disappeared into the shadows.

Grelle let out a sigh and rested her hands on her hips, lifting her eyes to the sky once more.

She hadn't thought Sebastian would show up here. She hadn't thought she'd ever see him again.

Her little visits to the Royal Observatory were like a special ritual between Will and herself: she would spend whole evenings here, lost in thought and idly looking at the gaps between the stars, and Will would always find her shortly after the stroke of midnight, unless he was stuck at work.

Will was wonderful really. Beneath his stolid, serious exterior, he was kind and careful, and above all else _stable_. He was a gentleman, and had helped her when she was heartbroken (after reprimanding her for being taken in by a demon). He'd taken care of her whilst she transitioned and had bought her the first tailor-made dress she ever owned ( _'You need proper dresses now, Grelle'_ , he had said, as if it meant nothing).

And when Grelle had put on that beautiful crimson dress for the first time, Will had brought her here, told her she was beautiful, and kissed her beneath the light of the full moon.

Grelle was still smiling over the memory when Will joined her.

"Grelle..."

"Will!" Grelle smiled, holding her hand out to him.

Will kissed it, then frowned, catching the scent of another upon her lace gloves. "Who else has been here, Grelle?"

A pensive smile formed on Grelle's lips. "Just someone from my old life. They've gone now."

Will's brows rose and he drew Grelle closer, a fiery protectiveness rising in his chest.

"They didn't trouble you, I hope."

"Not at all." Grelle's smile brightened and she curled her arms around Will's shoulders, her heart lighter than it had been all evening. "How was work?"

"Uneventful, until that demon showed up." Will scowled. "He ran away."

"How unfortunate..."

"Extremely. Have you finished your paperwork?"

"All done," Grelle smiled. She liked doing paperwork now. Getting it finished for the day meant she had more time to spend with Will. "Trust you to ask about work."

"You asked first," Will spoke sternly, but there was a fond twinkle in his gaze, and a smile upon his lips. "Are you sure you won't come back to retrieval?"

"I'm sure. They say it's best not to mix business with pleasure."

"And what pleasure might that be, hm?" Will arched a brow.

Smirking, Grelle leaned in and kissed him. "That."

"Then by all means keep the office job."

Grelle laughed, happiness filling her heart. "I love you, Will."

Will's response was quieter than hers, but his gaze softened as he spoke, and his arms tightened around her waist.

"I love you too, Grelle."

From the shadows down below, Sebastian could see and hear everything, and as he watched Will draw Grelle into a gentle kiss, he finally understood what it was to be heartbroken.

Spirit aching in a way he didn't think it could hurt, Sebastian turned away, and disappeared into the night.

Tomorrow night, he would start counting the stars afresh.

This time, he'd count to forget.


End file.
